Why Do You Hate Yourself?

First of all, I didn't drink myself into a stupor like I had planned. Onto the subject at hand. Below is the video I was talking about in this entry about the Tyra Banks clip. The guy's name being so closely related to mine is a bit scary, but fitting I suppose.



Once again, I'm at a loss of words on how to start. I need an opening sentence that encompasses what I'm about to write. Not this time or any other time for that matter. What hits me the hardest is when Andrew has a question for Chen. "Why do you hate yourself?" and his reasoning is because Chen is attracted to white guys. I'm simplifying, but I feel like Andrew. The more time I spend in Blacksburg, the more I hate myself. In other words, I grow more and more prejudice (mayhaps racist) the longer I stay in Southwest Virginia.

I can barely type this entry because the slap in the face by Reality still stings and I'm scared. Through this confusion I can somewhat pinpoint a problem and that problem is my relationship with others. A good majority of the people I spend most of my time with are prejudice (I'm going to avoid the word "racist" because it's too strong of a word for me). I always thought that I was accepting and open-armed toward others. I was. When I accepted those that I associated with, I changed for the worse. Because I've always wanted to "fit in" with the "popular crowd," I accepted my friends blindly. I've been told the best way to make friends is to join a group/organization that I enjoy doing and then eventually, I'll make friends with people who have the same interest. Check, but what I didn't expect was how attached I would become to my friends.

You might say, "Forget those bigots and make new friends." You know that friend in the destructive relationship? I could be an offshoot of that type of friend. Like a vine, I cling onto that which is closest to me and forsake anything else. Like a vine, I only look to ensure my own survival in the forest of vines; the first to reach the sun. In this case, I clung onto my Blacksburg friends and pushed away my Richmond friends to feel like I belonged. I find it extremely hard to express my feelings in person. It's hard for me to even tell my family how I feel about school. I just nod and say, "Yes." I hide behind Facebook and the internet in hopes that the 300-some people I have friended will say something or pay attention to me. I craze the attention like a vine craves the sun. When I don't get it, I become bitter and it's very unbecoming.

If anything, I've brought all of this onto myself. My own fault and no one elses'.


Right now, I have no idea what the future holds. I feel like I'm growing older, but certainly not wiser. Why is it so late that I realize such things? I'm slow and fenced in. I'm one of those people who do things that give immediate gratification. I don't do well in school and I'm surprised I've survived this long even with a year off from school. Two more weeks.

It is time to drink myself into a stupor and then do it again tomorrow evening.

-Jimmy

No Catchy Title This Time

I can blow kalamari sized smoke rings. I feel accomplish after giving up cigarettes because I keep the pack and the cigarettes just get messed up. Oy, my lungs! They hurt so good!

One more class and then some more hookah and then I'm going home. I'm excited, which is a change from how I've been feeling the past few weeks. At that time, I stopped taking my medication because I wanted to know what it was like to cry again and I want to be able to deal with Life without the help of medication. The generic Prozac is gone, but the generic um... forgot the name, but it's an anti-anxiety medication. I don't feel so slumpy and lazy when I'm taking my anti-anxiety, which is good. I even got up and did the dishes! My poor roommate had to do the dishes whenever he wanted to cook something. Oops!

I'm sitting at the hookah lounge and just having a grand old time by myself. The atmosphere, albeit lacking in the cute boy department, doesn't disappoint. They were playing some really relaxing music, but I wanted my own music. I love me the Lady GaGa! I can't deny it! I love her so much! Also, I can't wait for Britney Spears' new album to come out. I love her single "3," but I'm pretty sure I'd have the dilemma of having paid for the same song twice and that's a no no.

I can't wait to go home for Thanksgiving Break and get a hair cut. My hair is outrageous long and I can't stand it. It's annoying on my ears. I either want it cut short or grow it long like a um... long.

I was about to run into a thought and after watching this clip on Youtube on the Tyra Banks show about an Asian guy, who's a gay activist, my eyes have been opened beyond belief. I'll have to link it (I don't have time to cause I have to leave for class in four minutes). It made me rethink about how I view myself. Surprise. I'll do an entry just about this and my general feelings of where I am in Life.

I know I said that I would probably update about how my day was since the last entry. It wasn't very fun afterwards. I got reclusive and therefore I started taking my anti-anxiety medication again.

Sorry for the sporadic ideas, I have class now.

-Jimmy

I Want Your Love and I Want Your Revenge

I'm so obsessed with Lady GaGa's new single "Bad Romance." Loooooove it! The music video is poppin' and the beat is just love. I'm sure I've been listening to it for about nintey minutes now. I bought the music video from iTunes; I didn't want to get the single because her new album is dropping the 23rd and I don't want to buy the single and then buy the album and have two of the song. It's a great song, but having two files that are the same is just a waste of money. So I have to wait until the 23rd and it's going to kill me.

Anyway, I loev the music video, too! The whole Russian bath house theme was lost to me, but I understand it after watching it several times. This video is a departure from her earlier, more famous videos. You can see her face and I'm so drawn to the shots in the video where it's just a close-up on her clean face and it looks like she's crying. It's such a pregnant moment.


Change: another entry about it. As I progress down this long road called life, I find that my taste in things are changing. I've always pictured getting married to a blonde, blue-eyed honey. I'm not sure what's going on, but he's turning into a brown-haired cutie. I'm quite positive it has something to do with the cute guy in some of my classes, but curses! he's going to seminary. It's always the religious ones.

I'm also finding that I'm not liking Blacksburg as I used to. I think I'm with this place. I'm ready to graduate and ready to move back to Richmond. Virginia's capital will always be home. This, of course, fucks up any plans I have for wanting to do the masters in education program here at Tech. I don't think I'll be able to survive at Tech any longer. Every semester starts out ok and then halfway through, I feel like the life has been drained out of me. And I feel like I haven't accomplished much. It all feels the same. I'm ready to get a steady job and to live independently.

I'm probably going to update later tonight.

-Jimmy

What is it that I could have possibly done to deserve what I'm going through now? No one likes my driving and they remind me almost constantly. No one believes I can cook besides microwaving and they flaunt it in my face. They flaunt it by making something completely delicious that I'm smitten with how good it is and then I try to cook and I almost burn the kitchen down. I had total confidence in both my driving and my cooking. Now I feel like I need a superior to tell me what to do. On top of being inept at basic chores, everything somehow ends up my fault. So what if I knew the answer was Waiting to Exhale. It was funny at first when they yelled, "Shut up, Jimmy!" Really, that's the only answer I got correct in this Buzz Words game. It was fun, but there are times I wish I wasn't the one being ratted on constantly. I don't know what I've done. Am I too nice? Apparently I can't be me around anyone besides myself and it hurts. It hurts to know that people look down on me. I'm not smart, I know that. I may not be up to date on politics or know who's who in our government, but I can fucking spell and I know that being racist is so fucking stupid.

Why why why do I have friends who don't like black people, gays, or women? Why? What the fuck is wrong with seeing that they're - I hate it. I fucking hate it. At first I didn't care because nothing offends me. I don't care if people call me faggot or ass pirate. It's just the fucking bigots being ignorant. And how the fuck is me taking a shower twice a day mean anything?! The reason our water bill was so fucking high was because the toilet was leaking! It wasn't because I wanted to be clean. I have a dry scalp and if I don't take a shower or wash it, it gets itchy and I get dandruff and then I get paranoid that people will think I'm dirty because I have fucking dandruff. And why the fuck do I have to have candy thrown at me. I'm not some passive faggot who'll stand for that kind of thing! I'm paying the other half of the fucking rent and bills and I get a fucking Milky Way thrown at me because "I just wanted to throw something at you." Issues, man, issues. Why is that fucking punching bag there!? It's not for decoration! It's ugly as fuck and doesn't match anything in this fucking bland, broken, ghetto ass apartment complex!

I don't know even know where my cigarettes are! Everyone just needs to leave me the fuck alone!

Division

It seems that I can't get away from the fact that I'm acquainted/friends with people who do not like my other acquaintences or friends. It's like a viscious cycle. The worst part is I'm so attached to everyone that it would be near damn impossible to break ties with any of them. Sure, I don't talk to them very often, but they're still there and available. I've been finding more and more that I need to branch out more with friends. I don't have many gay friends and so it's awkward for me when I come upon a very stereotypical homosexual and I'm so used to being around heterosexuals that at times I don't see a difference between them and me. That of course is the entire purpose of sexuality: it doesn't matter who I love. I feel as if I've dug a trench and I'm just scouting along the bottom of the trenches when I should really by out in the battlefield fighting for what I believe. This is undoubtedly one of the most difficult situations I'll ever be in, aside from the drama of high school.