I think there's a trend and I suspect that trend has something to do with frustration. Yea, that's it. More whining and me complaining.I hate going to the gym. I know I've lost some weight and gained a wee bit of muscle, but I hate going. There's this trainer there named Will. Yup, you guessed it! I have a crush on him. Just today I saw him in the locker room without his shirt on. I didn't see much cause I was ignoring the fact that he has the body I want and the fact that I'm attracted to him. I found out that he goes to Virginia Tech, too. I wanted to see if my gym had like a fan page or group on Facebook and Will was the second result. The first result was a group for the security of my gym. That was so weird. I see him all the time too! It's all just coincidence. I see him and I think, "Why can't I have his body?" both in the sense of my body looking like his and that his body physically belonged to me because we're dating. Whatever. There's another really cute trainer, but I rarely see him and I know that he did like corps work and I learned from my trainer that he does mixed martial arts. How am I suppose to focus when there are so many cuties around? I'm just glad I didn't get either of them because I would not be able to concentrate.
"Oh, but Jimmy! You can be friends with Will. Strike up a conversation with him!" Fuck you. I'm not doing that and risk wanting him more! Fuck no! I like that I don't know him. If I knew him and his personality, I'm pretty sure I'll want to be with him more. I develop a crush on any guy that's remotely nice to me. "I have a crush on every boy!" It's true! There's no way I'm going there again. I've fallen in love with a straight guy before and there's no way in hell I'm going to do that again. I hurt so much from it. Now he's teaching in Japan and even has a girlfriend from what I gather. He's moved on, but have I? It's uncertain. I'm very grateful for our friendship, it's just my mind is so fucked up, it got in the way.
It's unfortunate that I think this way, but the number one reason I'm going to the gym is so I can become attractive to homosexuals. It's shallow of me and very ignorant of me, but let's face it, it's the fucking truth. Plus, I'm too shy to even start conversation. I have a sheet of paper upstairs in my room about starting and keeping a conversation. I haven't looked at it or practiced it. I'm pathetic that way. The second reason I go to the gym is because it makes my parents happy. They've seen that I've lost weight ever since I came back from school and they're happy. For once, my mother isn't crying because of pity for me; no, they are tears of joy. The third reason is so I can feel comfortable taking my shirt off at gay clubs/bars and dance and have other shirtless guys dance on me too. It's shallow, I know, but I'm not perfect. It's so very unfortunate that I think in this shallow way, but it's how I've been influenced growing up. I watched TV a lot when I was a kid and enjoyed watching Top 20 Celebrity Bodies and stuff like that. Half of the reasons why I like some celebrities is because he's hot. I'm shallow and that's how I am.
