Originally written in August.
I've been meaning to update my blog not to inform anyone, but to just get shit off my chest. Between my birthday and Father's Day (one week) much has happened to me and my family. Most of it is mental. I'm not sure I want to even think about all the shit, but I think that writing about it will help me. If not, I need to make a call to my psychiatrist or therapist. I hope my therapist will accept my new insurance...
My birthday was very fun! No lie. I got to reconnect, albeit very little, with a high school friend. My Mom made her infamously delicious eggrolls. I have to say, I must've eaten so many of them that a week's worth of exercising and lifting weights was negated. Later in the evening, we all went to my sister's condo and pre-gamed there before going out. Last year, I think my birthday was a flop because I was with friends who were not twenty-one, yet so there wasn't much we could do and I felt bad for them (on my birthday). Most of my sister's friends, whom I'm mostly acquainted with and for whatever reason now friends with them too, showed up for the pre-gaming. My other sister and brother were there too; even my old high school friend. My brother invited some of his gay Richmond friends along and I'm glad they came out.
The night started out with funny pictures and games of Kings. I'm horrible at this game, but I love it. Then we relocated the party at a place called deLux Lounge. The downstairs was for dining, upstairs was where the music was playing, and the outdoor lounge was closed for some mysterious reason. Not many people were dancing upstairs until we got there. You could say that we brought the party. The night went smoothly and we re-relocated to 3 Monkeys. On the way, we played on the fake polar bear. Apparently I was stumbling so the bouncer wouldn't let me in, but my brother sweet-talked him into letting me in. There wasn't much happening at 3 Monkeys. I saw some high school acquaintances and from what I've been told, 3 Monkeys is the place where all the cute twenty-some year olds hang out. Unfortunately, two Blue Motorcycles were beginning to take their toll on my body and I had to leave early. When I got back to my sister's condo, I had this idea that if I danced enough, the alcohol would get out of my system faster. That's completely a myth, but I like dancing so it was a win situation.
Now for the bad parts. My brother left my other sister at my sister's condo because he had hooked up with this guy who was newly out of the closet. He even came into the condo to get the keys and saw my other sister passed out on the couch. Were I him, I would've taken her home instead of being a selfish bastard. So I'm not really on good terms with him, even though he doesn't know it.
Father's Day was a big shit fest. We wanted to take my Dad out to eat because my Mom didn't want to cook (she cooked on Mother's Day). My other sister insisted that she make these Korean ribs, which will give a top performing athlete high cholesterol with one serving. My Dad called her to ask her to make something else because he wanted to watch his cholesterol. My other sister said that she wasn't going to make anything then. Come Father's Day, my other sister and brother come over to wish him greetings and such. From what I understood, my brother was going to bring a duck from some fancy place in North Carolina. Both show up with nothing. Then I hear that they wanted to go food shopping to cook something. They insisted I go because, and I quote, "There's nothing better to do at home." Excuse me? I have things I can do. I'd rather step in Emma's shit then spend more than an hour with you. Anyway, they were gone for four hours and came back with nothing. They expected my Mom to cook something once she heard that my other sister wasn't going to make anything. Wrong. Wrong. So wrong, it's a fail. Later they asked if we were doing anything for Father's Day (my Dad had to work and came home arond four PM). I said that we weren't and then they left. I probably left out some details, but boy was I mad at those two. Unfortunately, the subject kept on coming up and I kept getting madder.
All this and stacked upon me not seeing any results from working out and getting nowhere in Warcraft just fucked me. I tried to take my mind off it all by watching some porn, but it's just not doing it anymore. Is it possible to be tired of porn? I didn't think it was possible, but now I know it is. I go to the gym every day and I do my routine. Tummy and mini man boobs are still there. My legs are a bit more muscular, but I don't care about them. I care more about my upper body and midsection. I want to fit into my old clothes again cause let's face it, the economy is in the shit, my Mom is jobless, I'm jobless, so buying new clothes that fit is really not something on my To Do list.
I just feel like I'm walking into a wall over and over and over and over again. Don't get me started on me being tired all the time. I thought working out was suppose to give me more energy and be stress relieving? When I work out, I set goals: fifteen reps of the harder activities and twenty for the easier ones. If I can't do it, I'm disappointed in myself. I'm taking my medication so instead of crying, I just sweat. "Breathe in the good; breathe out the bad," only works for five minutes. Not only that, but I'm so disappointed in my brother and other sister! I thought my brother had grown up when he was working in Germany and traveling abroad. He comes back to the US and lives with some college kids in Raleigh. From what I hear, every Sunday is gay night at his place. That's a giant leap backwards from what I had seen. My other sister is just - ugh I can't even find the words to describe it. Coniving? A liar? Both and more.
I feel trapped and the walls are closing in on me. I feel helpless and just fucking frustrated.
"Don't cry."
