It is time to drink myself into a stupor and then do it again tomorrow evening.

-Jimmy

No Catchy Title This Time

I can blow kalamari sized smoke rings. I feel accomplish after giving up cigarettes because I keep the pack and the cigarettes just get messed up. Oy, my lungs! They hurt so good!

One more class and then some more hookah and then I'm going home. I'm excited, which is a change from how I've been feeling the past few weeks. At that time, I stopped taking my medication because I wanted to know what it was like to cry again and I want to be able to deal with Life without the help of medication. The generic Prozac is gone, but the generic um... forgot the name, but it's an anti-anxiety medication. I don't feel so slumpy and lazy when I'm taking my anti-anxiety, which is good. I even got up and did the dishes! My poor roommate had to do the dishes whenever he wanted to cook something. Oops!

I'm sitting at the hookah lounge and just having a grand old time by myself. The atmosphere, albeit lacking in the cute boy department, doesn't disappoint. They were playing some really relaxing music, but I wanted my own music. I love me the Lady GaGa! I can't deny it! I love her so much! Also, I can't wait for Britney Spears' new album to come out. I love her single "3," but I'm pretty sure I'd have the dilemma of having paid for the same song twice and that's a no no.

I can't wait to go home for Thanksgiving Break and get a hair cut. My hair is outrageous long and I can't stand it. It's annoying on my ears. I either want it cut short or grow it long like a um... long.

I was about to run into a thought and after watching this clip on Youtube on the Tyra Banks show about an Asian guy, who's a gay activist, my eyes have been opened beyond belief. I'll have to link it (I don't have time to cause I have to leave for class in four minutes). It made me rethink about how I view myself. Surprise. I'll do an entry just about this and my general feelings of where I am in Life.

I know I said that I would probably update about how my day was since the last entry. It wasn't very fun afterwards. I got reclusive and therefore I started taking my anti-anxiety medication again.

Sorry for the sporadic ideas, I have class now.

-Jimmy

I Want Your Love and I Want Your Revenge

I'm so obsessed with Lady GaGa's new single "Bad Romance." Loooooove it! The music video is poppin' and the beat is just love. I'm sure I've been listening to it for about nintey minutes now. I bought the music video from iTunes; I didn't want to get the single because her new album is dropping the 23rd and I don't want to buy the single and then buy the album and have two of the song. It's a great song, but having two files that are the same is just a waste of money. So I have to wait until the 23rd and it's going to kill me.

Anyway, I loev the music video, too! The whole Russian bath house theme was lost to me, but I understand it after watching it several times. This video is a departure from her earlier, more famous videos. You can see her face and I'm so drawn to the shots in the video where it's just a close-up on her clean face and it looks like she's crying. It's such a pregnant moment.


Change: another entry about it. As I progress down this long road called life, I find that my taste in things are changing. I've always pictured getting married to a blonde, blue-eyed honey. I'm not sure what's going on, but he's turning into a brown-haired cutie. I'm quite positive it has something to do with the cute guy in some of my classes, but curses! he's going to seminary. It's always the religious ones.

I'm also finding that I'm not liking Blacksburg as I used to. I think I'm with this place. I'm ready to graduate and ready to move back to Richmond. Virginia's capital will always be home. This, of course, fucks up any plans I have for wanting to do the masters in education program here at Tech. I don't think I'll be able to survive at Tech any longer. Every semester starts out ok and then halfway through, I feel like the life has been drained out of me. And I feel like I haven't accomplished much. It all feels the same. I'm ready to get a steady job and to live independently.

I'm probably going to update later tonight.

-Jimmy

What is it that I could have possibly done to deserve what I'm going through now? No one likes my driving and they remind me almost constantly. No one believes I can cook besides microwaving and they flaunt it in my face. They flaunt it by making something completely delicious that I'm smitten with how good it is and then I try to cook and I almost burn the kitchen down. I had total confidence in both my driving and my cooking. Now I feel like I need a superior to tell me what to do. On top of being inept at basic chores, everything somehow ends up my fault. So what if I knew the answer was Waiting to Exhale. It was funny at first when they yelled, "Shut up, Jimmy!" Really, that's the only answer I got correct in this Buzz Words game. It was fun, but there are times I wish I wasn't the one being ratted on constantly. I don't know what I've done. Am I too nice? Apparently I can't be me around anyone besides myself and it hurts. It hurts to know that people look down on me. I'm not smart, I know that. I may not be up to date on politics or know who's who in our government, but I can fucking spell and I know that being racist is so fucking stupid.

Why why why do I have friends who don't like black people, gays, or women? Why? What the fuck is wrong with seeing that they're - I hate it. I fucking hate it. At first I didn't care because nothing offends me. I don't care if people call me faggot or ass pirate. It's just the fucking bigots being ignorant. And how the fuck is me taking a shower twice a day mean anything?! The reason our water bill was so fucking high was because the toilet was leaking! It wasn't because I wanted to be clean. I have a dry scalp and if I don't take a shower or wash it, it gets itchy and I get dandruff and then I get paranoid that people will think I'm dirty because I have fucking dandruff. And why the fuck do I have to have candy thrown at me. I'm not some passive faggot who'll stand for that kind of thing! I'm paying the other half of the fucking rent and bills and I get a fucking Milky Way thrown at me because "I just wanted to throw something at you." Issues, man, issues. Why is that fucking punching bag there!? It's not for decoration! It's ugly as fuck and doesn't match anything in this fucking bland, broken, ghetto ass apartment complex!

I don't know even know where my cigarettes are! Everyone just needs to leave me the fuck alone!

Division

It seems that I can't get away from the fact that I'm acquainted/friends with people who do not like my other acquaintences or friends. It's like a viscious cycle. The worst part is I'm so attached to everyone that it would be near damn impossible to break ties with any of them. Sure, I don't talk to them very often, but they're still there and available. I've been finding more and more that I need to branch out more with friends. I don't have many gay friends and so it's awkward for me when I come upon a very stereotypical homosexual and I'm so used to being around heterosexuals that at times I don't see a difference between them and me. That of course is the entire purpose of sexuality: it doesn't matter who I love. I feel as if I've dug a trench and I'm just scouting along the bottom of the trenches when I should really by out in the battlefield fighting for what I believe. This is undoubtedly one of the most difficult situations I'll ever be in, aside from the drama of high school.

I have a lot to talk about because I've done so much over the last couple of weeks. I had a nasty, pink bruise on my left knee from my skating experience. I was getting up on this one knee and I guess it made it all red/pinkish. I also thought I bruise my left toe, but it turns out it was blood and it's now black from the coagulation and I'm scared the nail is going to fall off. Let's see how far back I can remember events without fucking them up, huh?

I went to a skating party and fell a few times. That was fun. Then going out that night was fun too. Nothing too out of the ordinary or noteworthy other than DJs who didn't listen. I went to a traditional, Christian wedding, which was absolutely adorable! I got tipsy at the reception, which happened to be, and I kid you not, a five minute walk from my house. And by tipsy I mean a margarita, two tequila shots and who knows how many coronas! THEN! We all went out and I got a double gin and tonic, a soco lime shot, a jolly rancher shot and then who knows how many bud lights. It was a fun evening. We saw some friends there. I danced a lot and ended up grinding my bum against an armchair because there wasn't a guy I could do that on.

On the topic of said bum rubbing, it was at this point that I decided I needed to get out more in the gay club scene. It finally happened over the weekend. I went to Nations and let me preface this by saying that I've only been to straight bars most of the time I've gone out, so going to a gay club was pretty much a culture shock. I kind of felt out of place and constantly being judged. I had fun because my friend Anthony came along and he introduce me to some of his friends. They even admitted to being stereotypically gay, which was absolutely true. I apologized for not being gay enough, haha! I saw some familiar faces there; some were a surprise, others weren't. Afterwards (meaning closing time), I went with Anthony and his friends to Fielden's. One thing I don't like is the cover charge for gay clubs. Alas, I payed my $10 entrance fee and got an ugly ass stamp on my hand. This place was skeazy, but it's open almost 24/7 so I'm not going to complain and just love it instead. We were there early and we kind of just hung around. Then people from Nations began coming to Fielden's. The DJ played some nice music. We all danced a little bit, but since I hadn't taken my anti-anxiety medication in a couple of days, I didn't feel like dancing by myself. Again, I felt like I was being judged.

I'm not so sure why going to a couple of gay clubs was a culture shock to me. I thought I was gay, but oh my goodness, these gays are literally shooting rainbows out their asses. I felt that 90% of the guys at these clubs were there to hook up; I only wanted to dance and enjoy the company of my friends. There was a guy that wanted to hook up with me. I was just about to leave anyway and he comes to me and says, "Hi." I rejected him and he's all like I know why you come here, it's just to hook up. If I wasn't so tired and just about to leave, there would've been a catfight and I'm pretty sure one of us would've ended up in a jail cell. That made me not like going to gay clubs a bit stronger. I'm definitely willing to do it again. I need a redeeming factor of this lifestyle.

Frustrating Torture

I think there's a trend and I suspect that trend has something to do with frustration. Yea, that's it. More whining and me complaining.

I hate going to the gym. I know I've lost some weight and gained a wee bit of muscle, but I hate going. There's this trainer there named Will. Yup, you guessed it! I have a crush on him. Just today I saw him in the locker room without his shirt on. I didn't see much cause I was ignoring the fact that he has the body I want and the fact that I'm attracted to him. I found out that he goes to Virginia Tech, too. I wanted to see if my gym had like a fan page or group on Facebook and Will was the second result. The first result was a group for the security of my gym. That was so weird. I see him all the time too! It's all just coincidence. I see him and I think, "Why can't I have his body?" both in the sense of my body looking like his and that his body physically belonged to me because we're dating. Whatever. There's another really cute trainer, but I rarely see him and I know that he did like corps work and I learned from my trainer that he does mixed martial arts. How am I suppose to focus when there are so many cuties around? I'm just glad I didn't get either of them because I would not be able to concentrate.

"Oh, but Jimmy! You can be friends with Will. Strike up a conversation with him!" Fuck you. I'm not doing that and risk wanting him more! Fuck no! I like that I don't know him. If I knew him and his personality, I'm pretty sure I'll want to be with him more. I develop a crush on any guy that's remotely nice to me. "I have a crush on every boy!" It's true! There's no way I'm going there again. I've fallen in love with a straight guy before and there's no way in hell I'm going to do that again. I hurt so much from it. Now he's teaching in Japan and even has a girlfriend from what I gather. He's moved on, but have I? It's uncertain. I'm very grateful for our friendship, it's just my mind is so fucked up, it got in the way.

It's unfortunate that I think this way, but the number one reason I'm going to the gym is so I can become attractive to homosexuals. It's shallow of me and very ignorant of me, but let's face it, it's the fucking truth. Plus, I'm too shy to even start conversation. I have a sheet of paper upstairs in my room about starting and keeping a conversation. I haven't looked at it or practiced it. I'm pathetic that way. The second reason I go to the gym is because it makes my parents happy. They've seen that I've lost weight ever since I came back from school and they're happy. For once, my mother isn't crying because of pity for me; no, they are tears of joy. The third reason is so I can feel comfortable taking my shirt off at gay clubs/bars and dance and have other shirtless guys dance on me too. It's shallow, I know, but I'm not perfect. It's so very unfortunate that I think in this shallow way, but it's how I've been influenced growing up. I watched TV a lot when I was a kid and enjoyed watching Top 20 Celebrity Bodies and stuff like that. Half of the reasons why I like some celebrities is because he's hot. I'm shallow and that's how I am.