With My Hands Wide Open

I don't know why the text is starting so low on the image to the left. And the subject title is unimaginative - I just used the image. Oh well.

It's a beautiful Saturday here at Virginia Tech, so I thought I might get some work done. I've packed all my things and went to my favorite hang out: She-Sha. I enjoy the dance of the smoke as it leaves my mouth. My lungs will hate me. I've given up on cigarettes because the taste is just absolutely atrocious. Hookah has flavors and no additives, but you could call it a vice of mine. Unfortunately, there's a slight wind flow where I'm sitting so the smoke is all going toward the left. Boo!

I'm slowly getting through my homework on a Saturday no less! I don't think I'll be able to read any assigments for the fact that there are too many distractions, e.g. boys and music. I need a nice quiet place to read, so I guess I'll do that at my apartment. Also I find it hard to do homework on my lap. I need a desk to lay out all my materials. I'm trying to get my homework done gradually over the weekend. It's my last semester and I need to maintain my pathetic GPA and so far, I'm not doing so well in my classes. I had midterm exams before my Spring Break and I didn't study for any of them. If I can prove that I do know something, maybe my professors will be sympathetic and give me passing grades.

It's my last semester and it's slowly settling in that this is my last semester. I was talking to my roommate about missing one of my professors and I almost cried. I'm such a girl! I know for sure that at the end of the year celebration thingy (Bacchanalia), I'm going to cry. VA Tech is like my second home and family. A few of my friends are going to be living together and I'm really jealous. I could try and find a salary job in Blacksburg, live with them, and work on getting my teaching license. My Mom would cry. The past few weeks, I've considered trying to find a job in DC. My Mom would cry. As mentioned before in this blog, my sister is going to move there and would like it if I rented her place. Only problem is money and I'm horrible at budgeting my money. Case in point: I was drunk one night and bought seventy dollars worth of personal items from Amazon. I've been trying to cut down on my iTunes purchases, also, but to no avail. I'm still buying music, and sometimes I don't even listen to what I buy. I'm so fucking horrible with money.

I think I'm going to finish this entry later tonight. I'm getting cold.

Shit

I had a shitty day. It's unfortunate because I woke up and I was in a good mood.

It's my last semester as an undergraduate and I since I'm a lazy bum, I wanted to take a couple of my classes as Pass/Fail. I only need one credit to graduate and to maintain my current pathetic GPA. I'm only taking twelve credits so I can receive loans. I left early in the morning to the building where I can change my grading option. I walk in and the lady asks if I need help with anything. Pass/Fail form. The deadline was yesterday. Thanks. Basic outline of the conversation, heh. That really put me in a sour mood because that would mean I have to do work to maintain my pathetic GPA.

My teacher couldn't sleep last night so he was a bit out of it. On top of that, we were missing half the class, bringing the total to four (including myself). The one day I put a full effort into translating and we're only going to do a couple phrases each. Well, I guess it wasn't so bad because we finished what I had translated up to. After class, a couple classmates go to this little restaurant and eat. I have a dining plan so I'm hesitant to eat there, but I give in to my laziness and end up ordering something. I'm not in a talking mood so when it was just me and another, I take my leave.

The day has been snowing on and off. I enjoy the snow. I abhor the aftermath - the mounds of snow on the side of the road, the salt encrusted snow getting on my shoes, and having more than six inches fall each day. I'm so sick of the snow now. Everyone is

I'm cutting this entry short cause well I feel like shit.

Soothing

I've got some tea, the Amelie soundtrack, a humidfier, and completed homework. I feel somewhat accomplished. I still have to re-review the Greek. I can only hope that tomorrow's Greek class will go well and not like it has been in the past week or so. I also hope I've translated enough; I should probably go back and count the lines.

The tea is very soothing as it travels down. I was inspired by Teddy cause he needed caffiene, but opted for tea instead. Good call.

The Amelie soundtrack is soothing. I love the whole French music thing. I'm sure it's the accordian-like instrument I hear. The music is lilting and it reminds me of the movie, obviously! The movie is beautiful in that Amelie helps everyone else be happy, but neglects to find her own happiness.

The humidifier is soothing. I only wish the inhalant I bought worked. I poured it into where it's suppose to go and it hasn't evaporated. I finally cleaned it out. Soothing, you may ask? It has this gentle hum to it and distracts my attention from the multitudes of passing cars on the road and also the upstairs neighbors and their enormous feet making the floorboards creak unnaturally loud.

I attemped a slightly different method to translating my Greek homework. Before, I would go through and find the vocab for words I didn't know as I "translated." Then I'd stop and fudge the translation in class. This time, I read the Greek and thought of how each word worked in the sentence and writing down any words I was unfamiliar with. Then I looked up all the words, without the text open, and found definitions. Then I went back and translated. I kind of went through the translating kind of fast, but I've had plenty of sleep lately, so I might go over it again once I'm down blogging.

I should probably go to bed soon (it's 10:34 PM) because I have to wake up at 6 AM to catch the 7 AM bus to take this sight reading contest thing at 7:30 AM and then proceed with class at 9:30 AM. I'm really not happy about this. The contest entries have to be post-marked by Monday the first. Okay, that's not too bad. Finding a time when four or five people can devote two hours of translating time during this week was hell. I blame those in charge for procrastinating. First, we were late in deciding who was going to take which test and a week before it's suppose to be sent in. We knew about this translation contest for awhile. We just never got around to getting it started, which is why I'm not happy. It's not bad for me, but my roommate took one last night at 6:30 PM for three hours and didn't have much time to prepare for it. He's doing the 7:30 AM session with me and then after our evening class that ends at 6:15 PM, he's taking another one I believe. This is what happens when you procrastinate. And my roommate works.

I finished my tea and contemplating on whether or not I should make another cup. Hmm... I should be fine.

In nonacademic news, I've become burnt out on Warcraft and have cancelled my account. The main reason is that it's my last semester as an undergraduate and I have to do well. My GPA is very low and I want to do whatever to keep it up so I can graduate. To fill the gaming void, I signed up for a GameFly account. First game was Dragon Age: Origins and Mass Effect 2. I mailed DA:O, but the website has yet to confirm if they received it or not. I mailed the game on Friday and it's shipping center is in Pittsburgh, PA. I'm only worried that something has happened to it and I'm not paying to keep a game I'll never see again. This has been stressing me out since Monday. It's close to being a week and nothing. When I had a netflix account, it took about four days to send and recieve a movie and I found it rather timely. I still have ME2 to have a game to play, but I'm getting tired of it already. I don't know what I'm going to do if something did happen to the game during shipping.

I should get to bed.

-Jimmy

You Are My Only One

Yup, I'm old school with Yellowcard.

There's something that happens during my Greek class that I can't explain. There are usually two scenarios. The first one is when I'm all hyper and speak out of line. I can tell the teacher/professor is annoyed but they handle it well. At the end of the day, I feel like a jackass about what happened. I've gotten good at toning myself down. The second scenario is my brain not working, I'm staring at the text, and my friends are being me when I'm hyper - cracking jokes and making side comments. Lately, I've been feeling lethargic, I suppose, after my class. There's an individual or two that I can't stand being around, but I'm getting better at ignoring them rather than pretending horrible accidents befalling them. I'm a bitch. Despite taking my medication, I'm going through a slump.

I found out the other day that my GPA is too low to even consider doing the M.A. teaching program at VA Tech. I asked about doing the teaching licensure/certification without the focus on M.A., but I didn't get a clear answer. I went back on my decision yet again because I really enjoy spending time with my friends here at Tech. We hang out and drink together and just be together. We're graduating; one is going to grad school somewhere not Tech and two of them are dong the M.A. teaching program (what I wanted to do).

I weighed my options and found that VCU has a program that doesn't focus on an M.A., but I have to take the GRE (or MAT) to apply. They're going to find out how smart I'm not! The deadline for the fall registration is March 15 and there's no way I have time to prepare for the GRE by then. I've settled for studying for the GRE after I graduate and then apply for the spring term. I'll work on my M.A. when I have a job. Gah, this is so far in the future.

Slump - my friend has been trying to visit Tech for the past month, but the snow has been a major hindrance. Now, she can't afford the gas money. And for some reason I promised that we'd go to a football together, after I've graduated. I don't even like football and she's not the kind to socially drink with strangers.

I hate thinking about the future. My sister plans on moving out of her condo, but renting it out. She would prefer it that I stay there instead of a stranger, but no way in hell I can afford the rent alone and I'm not even sure I'll have a job when I graduate. She's planning on moving around the time I graduate. I like her condo and I like the area there. And it would be closer to VCU if I get accepted into the teaching program.

As each paragraph gets smaller, I see it as a sign that I'm all blogged out.

-Jimmy

[insert Lady GaGa lyrics here]

I can't choose which GaGa lyric I want for a title. They're all so good, it's so hard to choose just one. Mayhaps, "That boy is a monster. He ate my heart." Nah, but wonderful nonetheless. And you might wonder, "Why is this psycho posting at three in the morning?!" I'll tell you why!

This week, the LGBTA organization at my university is celebrating AIDs awareness. Tonight the LGBTA held the annual Club Red Ribbon, where they basically turn this ballroom place into a dance club. My RSVP on Facebook was "Attending," but since I haven't been able to take my anti-anxiety medication (I left it at home), I stayed in and played some Warcraft. "So happy I could die." I did have plans to go, so while I was waiting for the time to roll around, I drank a Red Bull. Upon deciding that I was staying in (it was cold!), I had a beer and I just knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. I looked at the weather and it's suppose to snow after 4 AM, so that's why I'm up.

Okay, so I uploaded a bunch of screenshots from Warcraft onto my Facebook. I'm much too lazy to upload them via Photobucket and then post them. I wonder about Flickr... BRB. Okay, they're uploading to Flickr, but I'm uploading all of my screenshots when I should've gone through and picked the ones I wanted to upload. Oops. Meh, not so can't find the word... I'll have to play with it more.

Now, I was very certain I had a reason for updating other than killing time until it starts snowing, but now I'm all just not in the mood to update now. =(

-Jimmy

Why Do You Hate Yourself?

First of all, I didn't drink myself into a stupor like I had planned. Onto the subject at hand. Below is the video I was talking about in this entry about the Tyra Banks clip. The guy's name being so closely related to mine is a bit scary, but fitting I suppose.



Once again, I'm at a loss of words on how to start. I need an opening sentence that encompasses what I'm about to write. Not this time or any other time for that matter. What hits me the hardest is when Andrew has a question for Chen. "Why do you hate yourself?" and his reasoning is because Chen is attracted to white guys. I'm simplifying, but I feel like Andrew. The more time I spend in Blacksburg, the more I hate myself. In other words, I grow more and more prejudice (mayhaps racist) the longer I stay in Southwest Virginia.

I can barely type this entry because the slap in the face by Reality still stings and I'm scared. Through this confusion I can somewhat pinpoint a problem and that problem is my relationship with others. A good majority of the people I spend most of my time with are prejudice (I'm going to avoid the word "racist" because it's too strong of a word for me). I always thought that I was accepting and open-armed toward others. I was. When I accepted those that I associated with, I changed for the worse. Because I've always wanted to "fit in" with the "popular crowd," I accepted my friends blindly. I've been told the best way to make friends is to join a group/organization that I enjoy doing and then eventually, I'll make friends with people who have the same interest. Check, but what I didn't expect was how attached I would become to my friends.

You might say, "Forget those bigots and make new friends." You know that friend in the destructive relationship? I could be an offshoot of that type of friend. Like a vine, I cling onto that which is closest to me and forsake anything else. Like a vine, I only look to ensure my own survival in the forest of vines; the first to reach the sun. In this case, I clung onto my Blacksburg friends and pushed away my Richmond friends to feel like I belonged. I find it extremely hard to express my feelings in person. It's hard for me to even tell my family how I feel about school. I just nod and say, "Yes." I hide behind Facebook and the internet in hopes that the 300-some people I have friended will say something or pay attention to me. I craze the attention like a vine craves the sun. When I don't get it, I become bitter and it's very unbecoming.

If anything, I've brought all of this onto myself. My own fault and no one elses'.


Right now, I have no idea what the future holds. I feel like I'm growing older, but certainly not wiser. Why is it so late that I realize such things? I'm slow and fenced in. I'm one of those people who do things that give immediate gratification. I don't do well in school and I'm surprised I've survived this long even with a year off from school. Two more weeks.

It is time to drink myself into a stupor and then do it again tomorrow evening.

-Jimmy