Why Do You Hate Yourself?

First of all, I didn't drink myself into a stupor like I had planned. Onto the subject at hand. Below is the video I was talking about in this entry about the Tyra Banks clip. The guy's name being so closely related to mine is a bit scary, but fitting I suppose.



Once again, I'm at a loss of words on how to start. I need an opening sentence that encompasses what I'm about to write. Not this time or any other time for that matter. What hits me the hardest is when Andrew has a question for Chen. "Why do you hate yourself?" and his reasoning is because Chen is attracted to white guys. I'm simplifying, but I feel like Andrew. The more time I spend in Blacksburg, the more I hate myself. In other words, I grow more and more prejudice (mayhaps racist) the longer I stay in Southwest Virginia.

I can barely type this entry because the slap in the face by Reality still stings and I'm scared. Through this confusion I can somewhat pinpoint a problem and that problem is my relationship with others. A good majority of the people I spend most of my time with are prejudice (I'm going to avoid the word "racist" because it's too strong of a word for me). I always thought that I was accepting and open-armed toward others. I was. When I accepted those that I associated with, I changed for the worse. Because I've always wanted to "fit in" with the "popular crowd," I accepted my friends blindly. I've been told the best way to make friends is to join a group/organization that I enjoy doing and then eventually, I'll make friends with people who have the same interest. Check, but what I didn't expect was how attached I would become to my friends.

You might say, "Forget those bigots and make new friends." You know that friend in the destructive relationship? I could be an offshoot of that type of friend. Like a vine, I cling onto that which is closest to me and forsake anything else. Like a vine, I only look to ensure my own survival in the forest of vines; the first to reach the sun. In this case, I clung onto my Blacksburg friends and pushed away my Richmond friends to feel like I belonged. I find it extremely hard to express my feelings in person. It's hard for me to even tell my family how I feel about school. I just nod and say, "Yes." I hide behind Facebook and the internet in hopes that the 300-some people I have friended will say something or pay attention to me. I craze the attention like a vine craves the sun. When I don't get it, I become bitter and it's very unbecoming.

If anything, I've brought all of this onto myself. My own fault and no one elses'.


Right now, I have no idea what the future holds. I feel like I'm growing older, but certainly not wiser. Why is it so late that I realize such things? I'm slow and fenced in. I'm one of those people who do things that give immediate gratification. I don't do well in school and I'm surprised I've survived this long even with a year off from school. Two more weeks.