First and foremost, I would like to thank Blizzard, a gaming company, for developing such an addicting game. As you can see from the picture above, I took the CDs (including the expansion) and just broke 'em in half. I played this game for circa two years and what did I get out of it? Absolutely nothing. I'm not shitting Blizzard. They're a great company for what they do.
It all happened after watching The Broken Hearts Club. I'm not going to give any plot because well that doesn't matter. While taking a shower, I did a little introspection. I looked in the mirror and assessed myself. I'm a fuck. My life has been handed to me on a platinum platter and what did I do? I tossed the motherfucker right out the window. Everything. Every single thing. All I ever wanted was attention: someone to say something back to me when I talked. The numerous online journals I've kept over the years and years didn't talk back. I threw everything away: my education, my life, my family, my friends. All of it was washed down the fucking toilet. And it all started with this fucking game called Warcraft. I hate it. Talking about it to some online friends makes me sick. So sick I could vomit this wine.
Everything I ever wanted was right there in front of me. It was all right there. Right there. There. I'm a fucking horrible friend. I wanted them to talk to me, but how does that go when I do initiate the conversation? They're online on AIM, just double click and type. How fucking hard is that? Apparently I'm just so inept at talking to friends that it's a disease. I'm only good at typing just the most random shit into a text box and hit "Submit/Publish Post."
I used to wear my heart on my sleeve. I was happy in high school and didn't really care. I put smiley stickers all over my clarinet case for fuck's sake! How demented do you have to be to do that kind of shit? Apparently so that I didn't care what other people thought about it. Heck, if it was anything it was a cry for attention. I'm so blind!
I wore my heart on my sleeve. And now I've put it away and put up walls to everyone: my close friends and family. I locked it up because of my first relationship and a crush! What the fuck! Everyone goes through a first relationship and even a crush! Why am I so different? Hell who fucking knows! I made a uh... mole hill out of an ant hill... I think that's the right saying.
I'm just such a horrible friend. Any comment or reply I get should suffice, but does it? Fuck no! And I bitched about people who wanted attention. I was just being a hypocritical jackass! A fucking donkey! I wish I could've recorded what I was talking to myself. I need this thing to talk back to me. I don't know if it's helping, all this writing about random things in an online journal. I have a therapist, but as everyone knows, I don't ever call anyone!
I want to cry. I want to cry because I've been a fucking cunt! I've been awful! I'm a monster! To everyone! I was too fucking blind. I think I'm rehashing what I've said before. That's the wine talking. It's 2003 merlot/cabernet sauvignon! It tasted like shit at first, but now it's heavenly!
I promise to be a better friend and not the jackass I've been. I'm sorry, everyone.
No comments:
Post a Comment