Missed the Moon & Stars.

I remember what I wanted to talk about in my last post, but it was just too happy, I didn't want to bring up such a curt, but not so brief subject. To be candid, there are times when I hate homosexuals. I guess- I don't know. I don't know I don't know. Everything about it. Or some of it. I think the people that hurt me the most are gay.

I know I've been a shitty friend. I'm not blind, yet. I'm just on this long ass emotional roller coaster. I thought the line was long, but the damn ride is fucking ridiculous. I hurt at the top of the hills and I hurt at the bottom of the drops. The harness won't come off. Wouldn't it be nice for the safety mechanism to malfunction just once and free fall and not worry about a fucking thing?

I've been concentrating so much on trying to get my priorities in order and manage to not get myself in jail, I've neglected those closest to me. It's hard to think that maybe once it would be nice to have someone give me twenty-one birthday cards or even just a card from someone I just met. Or be invited to something, anything. For that reason, I hate Facebook. Sure I have "friends," but how many can I truly count as real friends. Geez the one person that's really my friend forgot her password so she doesn't get on Facebook any longer. I've sent messages to some people only to have no response or just a trite conversation of one or three lines. Occassionally I'll talk on AIM, but it's not much. It's the same damn conversation over and over again.

Everyone's moved on. I'm still right where I am. I've only gotten to get out of the house because my sister invites me to some of her excursions to Banditos or happy hour, and I accept because I can just crash at her place. I'm a burden to everyone. I invite people to come out for my birthday cause let's face it, when I turned twenty-one, I went in to work at Toys R Us. I didn't go out. It was a Tuesday that year. I didn't do anything that weekend. Twenty-two? Nothing. I probably played Warcraft to pretend I didn't have a birthday that people forgot or worse, didn't care for. Twenty-three? That was a debacle. The only people who wanted to go to the bars were under twenty-one. It's not their fault. Blame their parents, but I felt bad. I felt bad they couldn't have a good time ON MY BIRTHDAY. Everyone went out of town too! I'm sorry for being born in the middle of June when every-fucking-thing happens: marriage, beach, gay pride, new jobs, washing your hair and the plants. If I could, I'd have no birthday at all. I don't care how old I am anyway. Celebrations are overrated. Stimulation of the economy is all holidays are good for. Fuck Christmas.

I know this sounds selfish, but once, just fucking once, I want to enjoy the company of my old high school friends and any friends now without there being fucking drama. The reason I hated LiveJournal so much was the incessant whining of "no one ever comments" and then there's that "read my LJ and then comment." You mean to tell me that your life is so much more important to me that you need evidence that I read your fucking piece of drama shit? Hell, where the fuck were comments for me?!? When you get comments, you're happy! You don't care when I actually comment and then you bitch that you're not loved. Attention-fucking-whores. Once I checked my LJ account and it showed that gave TWICE as many comments than I recieved. God, who needs comments now?! Same with fucking deviantART. I love the idea, but when people just want attention and say "Leave a comment BEFORE you fave. Thank you!" All they want is just for someone to like their art. I guess I'm bitter, angry, spewing horse shit cause I never got any attention and yet I had to pay attention to everyone else. Now that I think about it, I'm only shy and quiet cause I'm afraid I'm going to be used.

I feel like I've been used my entire life. Come over and just watch my TV and eat my food. Drive all of us to this place and that place. Drive me here and there. Fine, I'll tell the Asian guy that we need a table for four because I'm Asian so therefore I should be able to understand him. We have to do this. We have to do that. I guess it's my fault for not saying, "No," and just holding any regret I have inside. If I'm ever asked if I have regretted anything my life, I know my answer. "Everything." I feel like it's all been a waste of time. I've wasted time.  

I don't know why I want to stay in Richmond or even own a computer. So much shit has happened with both.

Ugh, I guess I'm just broken.